Never Piss Off Elsa
by gregterry480
Summary: Hope. Love. Redemption. This story is about none of those things.
1. Olaf's Mistake

On the 24th of September, Queen Elsa was going through her "time of the month." Now, Queen Elsa was usually pretty moody and shit, but everyone knew that when her Aunt Flo came to visit, they should stay as far away from her as possible unless they wanted to be turned into human popsicles.

Unfortunately, Olaf the snowman wasn't aware of this.

"Hello, Elsa," he said walking into her chambers, ignoring the sign that said "DO NOT ENTER, EVEN IF YOU ARE A DUMB SNOWMAN." "Want a warm hug?"

"Get...out..." went Elsa through gritted teeth. She was on her bed and pigging out on chocolate because she was in a bad mood.

"But it's such a nice September day outside" said Olaf, cheerfully opening the curtains which Elsa had shut. He then grabbed her box of candy and ate all of Elsa's chocolate.

"Yummy!" said Olaf, oblivious to the mortal sin which he had just committed. "I love chocolate."

Elsa went all ape shit then. She removed the snow cloud that protected Olaf from heat. Then she shoved him next to the fireplace.

"Wow, it's so warm," said Olaf. "Uh...oh...dying..."

Olaf quickly melted into a puddle. All that was left of him was his carrot nose, which the queen then picked up and took a big bite into.

"Never piss off Elsa," she growled.


	2. Royal Duties

Queen Elsa felt a little better after killing Olaf, so she went downstairs. She had royal duties to attend to.

"Your majasty," said George the servent. "Your meeting with Prince Hans is this afternoon."

"Whatever," said Elsa. "Would someone get me some black coffee?"

"Yes," said George. "Also, Princess Anna..."

"...wants to build a snowman," said Elsa, finishing George's sentence for him. "It's bloody September. Can't she wait until November at least like normal girls do?"

"I was actually going to tell you that she died."

There was silence. George began sweating.

"Um...she's not really...dead," went George carefully. "I was just trying to make a point that...well...for all you knew, she could've been dead...well...if she had been dead, wouldn't you feel guilty for just assuming that your sister just wanted to build a snowman?"

Elsa jammed an icicle through George's heart, because he was making no sense.

Then Anna showed up. She was cheerful and happy and optimistic and every single fucking thing that Elsa hated about her when she was on her time of the month.

"Elsa," said Anna, bouncing up and down. "Do you want to build a snowman?"

It took all of Elsa's restraint to not shove a snowball up her sister's ass.

"I can't right now, honey," she said. "I have an important meeting with Prince Hans."

"Prince Hans?" went Anna. "Isn't he in prison for life?"

"No, his brothers let him go," said Elsa. "Said he wasn't worth taking up the space of a prison cell. Or a noose. Or community service. They really don't care about him at all."

"Why is he coming here then?" said Anna. "He tried to kill you!"

"Anna, don't be silly," Elsa said. "After all, Olaf tried to kill me once when he was drunk, remember?"

"Oh, yeah," went Anna, remembering that terrible, terrible day. "Well, maybe Olaf will want to build a snowman with me since you are so busy."

"Yeah. Whatever, go and find him then," said Elsa, failing to mention that Olaf was dead.

Anna went outside, singing _For the First Time in Forever_ loudly, which made Elsa wish she was deaf.

Then there was a knock on the door. She waited for George to answer it, but then remembered that she murdered him, so she answered the door herself.

"May I come in?" said Prince Hans, acting all charming and not evil.

"Of course," said Elsa. "We have very important business to discuss."


	3. Meeting with Hans

"So, let me get this straight," said Elsa as she and Hans were finishing each other's sandwiches at the dinner table. "You told my sister you were going to kill me, and then you just left her there, and locked the door?"

"Yes," said Hans. "She was dying."

"Yes, but she wasn't dead yet," said Elsa. "I mean, you didn't even have her in a closet? No, you had her in a big room-with windows-with a door with a lock that could be picked open by a carrot?"

"Well..." went Hans awkwardly.

"I mean that's just fucking stupid," said Elsa with her mouth full. "What if your evil plan had worked, and you had killed me? What if Anna had lived to tell someone what you were up to? You'd still be screwed then, you know?"

"Are you trying to imply that I should've killed your sister?" said Hans, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm just saying that if I were you, I would've," said Elsa simply. "Jam your sword through her heart, claim it happened because of me, then kill me. Not lock her in a room, count on no one walking by or trying to unlock it or hearing her gasp for help, and just assume that she would die."

"What's done is done," said Hans, wiping his face. "It's not like I could trick you or your sister again."

"Exactly, what's done is done," said Elsa.

All of a sudden, Hans looked concerned.

"Um...why am I here?" he asked slowly.

"Hans, my boy, if we all lived in the past, we'd all hate each other forever," said Elsa. "And queens shouldn't hold a grudge."

"I...still don't understand..."

"Fine, stupid!" went Elsa, clenching a fork. "Let me give you an example of what I'm talking about..."

She then jammed said fork into the throat of a servent who was just offerring her a glass of wine. He fell to the floor and died.

"Now, you've just seen me murder someone," said Elsa. "Should we dwell on that? Should you call upon the other kingdoms to have me arrested? Or should you eat your goddamn sandwich and hear what I have to say instead?"

Hans, at this point, clearly had no idea what to say.

"That's a smart boy," said Elsa. "Hans, are you still interested in being king?"

"Um..."

"Of course you are," said Elsa. "And I need a king so I can produce an heir to the throne. So..."

Hans just looked at her wide-eyed.

Elsa sighed. She then made the fingers of her left hand into a hole and then thrust the index finger of her right hand into it over and over again.

"Get the picture?" said Elsa, who was beyond pissed off with Hans at this point.

"I thought you were a lesbian," said Hans dumbly.

"JESUS CHRIST!" yelled Elsa, throwing an empty wine glass on the floor, with the pieces shatterring into the dead servent's body. "WHY DOES EVERYONE ASSUME I'M A LESBIAN JUST BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND?!"

"Um...because you sang a song about snow?"

"GOD, THE INTERNET IS STUPID!" the queen screamed. "SO, LET ME GUESS, THEY THINK THAT WAS SOME 'COMING OUT' SONG, IS THAT IT?!"

"Some of them do...," whimpered Hans, hiding behind his seat.

"Well, well, well," went Elsa with mock amusement. "Isn't that hilarious? Do they also assume I was a lesbian for my sister, and that my 'lesbianism' is what hurt her when we were kids? Do they think I was terrified of her knowing I was a lesbian, because being a lesbian harmed her before, and might harm her again?! Oh, and I guess my homosexuality nearly killed everyone in the kingdom, right, until I was able to 'control it'?! Is that what those idiots are claiming?!"

"I don't know!" yelped Hans, scared shitless. "I really just go on the internet for cat videos!"

"Oh, who gives a crap?!" yelled Elsa. "Will you marry me or not?"

"Huh?"

"Do you want to marry me or do you want to die?"

"Fine! I'll marry you! Jesus Christ!"

"Good," said Elsa, getting up and shoving her lunch plate off the table. "We'll prepare for the wedding after my nap, but if you try to wake me, the wedding might be...cancelled."

Then she left, leaving Hans shaking with terror, whimpering on the floor in fetal position, only feet away from the servent who his future wife had just murdered.


	4. Unknown Threats

Meanwhile, far away, Marshmallow was planning his attack on Arendelle. With Elsa's crown on his head, he knew he was rightful heir to the throne.

"GONNA MAKE EVERYONE INTO SNOWBALLS!" he roared.

But he knew he couldn't do it on his own. He would need an army. An army of monsters. Monsters just like him.

So he called up Godzilla, who he fortunately had on speed dial.

"RRRROOAARRRRRRRR!" roared Godzilla over the phone.

"WANNA TAKE OVER KINGDOM!" roared Marshmallow. "BUT NEED ARMY! CAN GODZILLA HELP?!"

Godzilla agreed, but only if he got to marry the queen. Marshmallow said yes, since he was only interested in the queen's sister anyway.

Unaware of the upcoming invasion was Anna, who was having a picnic with Kristoff. Kristoff was babbling about ice and shit. It was very boring.

"So..." said Anna, desperate to change the subject. "Did you know Prince Hans is in the kingdom?"

"Isn't he in prison for life?" asked Kristoff.

"His brothers let him go," said Anna. "They really don't care about him at all."

"I would've liked to see his skull smashed, personally," said Kristoff. "Crushed by a giant block of ice."

Anna rolled her eyes.

"He's having a meeting with Elsa today," said Anna. "God knows why."

"Wait, isn't Elsa on her..." asked Kristoff without finishing the question.

"Um...eww, but yeah," said Anna.

"Then Hans is a dead man," said Kristoff, for the knowledge of Elsa's wrath during her time of the month was known throughout the kingdom. Even orphans had to stay away from her.

Anna wasn't sure how to respond to that.

"I hope she kills him using a block of ice," he added. "I like ice."

But far, far away, at the very moment Anna was rolling her eyes once again, a living piece of shit named King Joffrey was looking at a picture of Elsa.

"Is it true that she can control winter?" he asked.

"Yes, your highness," said some old fart who was hoping that Joffrey wouldn't cut his penis off. "She is the Queen of Arendelle. She...well...she brought winter to her kingdom, and then got rid of it."

"And how did she do that?" asked the living piece of shit.

"She...um...used the power of love," said the old fart.

"Love?" went Joffrey, who like all living turds hated the very mention of the word. "How exactly did she use that to stop winter?"

"It didn't really make much sense," admitted the old fart. "But, nevertheless, it was still a satisfying conclusion to the movie overall."

The living piece of shit stared at the picture of Elsa for a long time.

"Bring this Queen of Winter to me," said Joffrey. "Oh, and have the old fart killed for mentioning the word 'love.' Smashing his skull with a block of ice will do."

The piece of shit chuckled as the old fart was dragged away screaming.

"I like ice," he said with an evil grin.


	5. Elsa Kills a Radio DJ

Anna tried to ignore her sister's loud snoring as she quietly read _Twilight: The Graphic Novel_. But soon she felt a chill go down her spine. Elsa's snoring was starting to freeze the castle! So she went outside and decided to continue her search for Olaf.

Instead, she found Prince Hans, pacing around and mumbling to himself.

"Gotta...escape...somehow," he was babbling.

Anna walked up to him. There was something she had been wanting to ask Hans for a long, long time.

"Hey, Hans," she said. "Do you want to build a snowman?"

"Huh?" went Hans.

"Never mind," said Anna. "What's got the evil Prince Hans scared shitless?"

Then Hans explained. Anna was annoyed.

"So THAT'S why she didn't want me to marry you," said Anna. "She wanted you all for herself! What a bitch!"

"Huh?" went Hans.

"Forget it!" yelled Anna, storming off. "I'm going to go find Olaf!"

"Who's Olaf?" went Hans, but Anna didn't hear him.

Meanwhile, Queen Elsa was napping, dreaming that she was riding a unicorn and wielding an ice sword which she was using to decapitate her adorable woodland creature enemies, when all of a sudden her radio turned on and woke her up. It was playing _Let It Go_.

The Demi Lovato version.

"God...dammit..." she growled as she forced herself out of bed. "I warned them NEVER to play that version of MY song!"

So Elsa got into the Elsamobile and drove off to the radio station.

"Yo, yo, yo, it's the queen of the chill!" said the DJ when he saw Elsa burst into his studio. "Got any requests, yo highness?"

"I ordered you...never to play...that thing..." Elsa went, barely getting words out through her rage.

"We can play anything you want, ice queen," said the DJ, apparently ignoring what she just said.

"You played...Lovato...version...my song..."

"Oh, yeah," said the DJ. "Want me to play it again?"

"NO!" screamed Elsa, grabbing the DJ's headset and crushing it to pieces. "THAT VERSION SOUNDS NOTHING LIKE MY SONG! IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING THAT BELONGS ON ONE OF THOSE GAWDAMM DISNEYMANIA ALBUMS!"

"Oh, yeah, I remember them," said the DJ fondly. "Are they still making those?"

Elsa thrust a sharp icicle right through the DJ's ears, which went through his brain and killed him immediately. As his body collapsed to the floor, she went behind the desk and spoke into the microphone.

"Your DJ has permanently signed out," she said. "Normally he'd say goodbye to you himself, but he's way too dead to do that. Toodles!"

She then went back home, made herself a chocolate milkshake, gulped it down, and went back to bed. Hopefully no one would interrupt her lovely dreams this time.


End file.
